The Sounds of Silence

"And the vision that was planted in my brain still remains...within the sound of silence" - Simon & Garfunkel

*ADVANCED WARNING: THIS ENTRY MAY GO ALL OVER THE PLACE/NOT MAKE SENSE*

Do you ever find yourself just...craving silence? For your world to calm down long enough for you to catch your breath? That's kind of where I'm at right now. I'm at a time where I need to take a step back from the craziness around me, and reflect on my goings on. Am I doing what I should be doing? Have I completely messed up somewhere along the way? Or am I just going through a time of craziness before I get to the awesome? Basically, I'm very contemplative right now. Having to make some decisions that I'm not entirely sure I WANT to make, but in the long run, might be better for me. I feel as though a season in my life is coming to a close. It's not a bad thing, but it's not easy, either. I know, this is all very vague. And the one person who actually reads this crap will probably try to tweet me, but to no avail. Part of my taking a step back includes my daily twitter/facebook binges. The apps have been deleted from my phone for the time being, and I'm trying to not even log in on my laptop. The whole "Facebook and Twitter are set as my home pages" thing is kind of messing that up, but I'm trying. I need to focus less on what others are doing, and more on me. I don't do that often enough. I don't mean that necessarily in a selfish way, more so in that I spend so much time making sure OTHERS are okay, I forget that I myself am a train wreck sometimes. I need to stop doing that.

So as I sit here, bottle of vodka to my left, water on my right, The Walking Dead on my TV screen, paused in a rather regrettable place (Why is there always so much blood?!), I'm taking a moment to remind myself to breathe. That I'm not going to be able to fix all the problems of the world (Obamacare, Government shutdowns, failed celebrity marriages, Miley Cyrus...you know, the big things). What I CAN do? Is what's best for me. Or at least what I HOPE is best. I know I've taken some pretty big steps in the right direction. Steps that I SHOULD have taken years ago. At this point, I just hope that I don't backtrack.

I sometimes need to be reminded that I'm as strong as I'll let myself be. The only thing holding me back is my own insecurities (and sometimes money, but there's never enough of that now, is there?). I sometimes just need to be told that everything is going to work out the way it's supposed to. Most times? I just need a hug. Or maybe some ice cream. Either way.

Thanks for sticking around as I babble like an idiot for a few paragraphs.

Chapel of Love

Gooooooing to the chapel and we're gonna get maaaaaaried. - The Dixie Cups

I've been having wedding dreams lately. Like...my wedding. Can't see the bride, but I see the dress. Can't see faces of the bridesmaids, but they're all in dresses. I see my groomsmen, the minister, everything else...but none of the women in the bridal party. I'm not gonna lie, it's kind of annoying. I have so many things I want to have for my wedding, ideas on how to propose, what I want the "Wedding Day Prep" playlist to look like, all of that. Just need the bride. 

I've decided something about myself: Me (eventually) being happy and in a healthy relationship with someone else? Will only actually happen if I'm being happy and in a healthy relationship with...myself. I have to remember that even when my DAY isn't going well, my LIFE is good. There will be days when I'll have to find my own happiness, and that's okay. Life will always be good. This may sound lame to you, whoever is reading this, but so far? It's been helping me. So I'm gonna keep doing it...man.

There really isn't going to be a clear and concise ending to this. No loose ends will be tied up. And I would apologize, but no one reads this, soooo...prolly fine. :)

P.S. Did you guys know that The Dixie Cups were black??

Hey Beautiful

"Ba ba BA baaa ba ba ba baaaaaa dada da dadada da dadada daaaaaaa" - The Solids

If you know me, you know I'm slightly obsessed with a few things:

1...and 2) Friends (Both the real life ones, and the ones on that AWESOME TV show)
3) HIMYM
4) Music
5) Things that are both funny and fun.

Today, kids, we're going to talk about the 3rd. How I Met Your Mother. HIMYM, for short. In case you were unaware, the little intro song? IS A REAL SONG! I LITERALLY just learned this. And I kinda dig it! The song is call "Hey Beautiful", by The Solids. I would say "Check it out", but I'm gonna post it here because easy.

Anyway, the real blog post starts now:

What I've Learned From Watching HIMYM...Again

My sister got married a few months ago. I'm the only one of the siblings that's still single. Not a fan of that...or having been reminded of it seven times during the wedding/reception, but that's neither here nor there. That night, after the reception was over, I headed back to my place, and decided to rewatch How I Met Your Mother. For probably the 5th time. I finished season 7 tonight, which means I'm all caught up (as far as I've watched, at least). I've realized something: I'm turning into Ted Mosby. I've gone back and forth on the whole "I want a wife and kids" thing for years now. The older I get, the more I really do want it. However, ever time I go out searching for "the one", I get dumped on.

I went on a blind date not too long ago. It was my first date in 8 years. The last one, oddly enough, was also a blind date. Anyway, I thought we were having a decent, if not a good, time. Until I realized: She was looking at her phone almost the whole time we were together. She then told the person who set us up that there was no chemistry.
I'm sorry...what? How can we even ATTEMPT chemistry when you're looking at your phone for 97% of our date? Come on. Pissed me off...

Since the Blind Date iPhone Debacle, I've joined eHarmony. They offered me a killer deal on membership, and I took it. I have started communicating with people who, according to Dr. Neil Clark Warren, are nearly perfectly compatible with me. I have sent 7 messages to ladies all over the US. 5 of those ladies...have now become "hidden matches". I'm pretty sure that means they said "Hahahaha no. Loser", and made it so I never talk to them again. Not gonna lie, kinda hurts my feelings. But what can ya do? Well, I'm choosing to listen to my friend Dory. She told me to just keep swimming. So? I keep looking. Keep sending messages. Keep getting rejected. You know why? Because one day, I'm gonna find her. Either that? Or I'll be that cool guy with all the snakes. Or dogs. Or something. But not cats. Never cats.

Tell Me Lies

"Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. (Tell me liiieeessss) Tell me tell me lies!" - Fleetwood Mac

When I was in high school, I had a friend. A BEST friend even. [Good for you, Kevin. Good for you.] One of the new people that (I thought) I could trust. With anything. People like that are great to have in your life, right? Yeah...you'd think.

One day, we were working on something at my house, and he had his email open. He asked me to look something up for him, so I did. I happened to glance at the subject of an email that had been sent. It was my name. He was telling the girl I had, moments earlier, confessed my interest in, not to worry about my liking her because I was gay.

*Pause*

*Pause*

*Pause*

WHAT?

OK, let's be honest: That wasn't a new thing for people to be saying about me. I've never had anyone ask if it's true before spreading that rumor, but still. Nothing new. Anyway. This dude is supposed to be my best friend, he's not supposed to be talking crap about me behind my back! I let it sink in for a moment. Thought about it. Didn't say anything to him. Why bring it up?

A few weeks later, I was just having a bad day. So I did end up saying something to him. And guess what he did? He said to me "I never said that..."

What happened next is even worse, and why I've decided high school K Fend was an idiot. I said "OK, just wanted to check.", and we hugged it out. I'll allow that to sink in for you. Yeah. I SAW it, and still believed him when he said he didn't send it. Say it with me: You, sir, are an idiot.

I've been replaying this whole thing in my head all day. Why didn't I say "Dude, check your email. I CAN read, you know."? Why didn't I beat the crap out of him? Why didn't I just cut my losses and stop talking to him? I have a theory on this. High school is an awful, awful time. We're always trying to find ourselves. To fit in. Be a part of something. My then friend was a golden boy. Everyone knew him. By extension, they knew who I was. I FIT IN! ...sort of. I guess I didn't want to give that up.

Fortunately for us all, high school ends. And that? Is when we TRULY find ourselves. When we don't have to worry about keeping up with the latest fads, the newest clothes, the what the crap ever. After high school, we get to breathe. To BE.

That's just my take on things. Feel free to share yours. I like the interaction. :)

Beauty in the World

"There is beauty in the world/So much beauty in the world/Always beauty in the world/So much beauty in the world/Shake your booty boys and girls for the beauty in the world/Pick your diamond pick your pearl there is beauty in the world" Beauty in the World - Macy Gray

"Dude. Are your toenails...painted??"

I get asked this frequently. For something that really doesn't matter? I get asked it too much. Fortunately for me, IDGAF when it comes to people's opinion(s) of me. That's none of my business. However, I love the reason I get my toenails painted, and I'm in a sharing mood. So here's a story. A heart melting story.  A story of a boy. A girl. And the boy's first pedicure:

I was in my early 20s when I got my first pedicure. I went with my roommate at the time, she was getting acrylics put on, and I figured "Why not?". So I had a seat. In the chair next to me, was a little girl, probably 5 or 6. She had Down's syndrome, and was getting a manicure with her mom. She looked over at me, said hi, then asked me what color I was going to do. I smiled and said "Well, I'm not getting a color." She shook her head at me and said "I think you should..." Guys. How could I say no? I looked back at her and said "Okay. Go pick a color, and I'll do it." So, naturally, she picked bright green. I, naively, thought that was the end of it. Little did I know, she was getting polka dots on her manicure. She looked over at me again, grinning. "Do you like my nails? What color are you going to have for your dots?" ...Crap. "Yes," I responded dutifully, "I DO like your nails. I hadn't planned on doing dots today." She got me again with those big eyes. "I think you should..." "And why is that?", I asked. "I think everyone should have beauty in their lives." Oh COME ON! You have to be a terrorist to not melt a little bit when a 5 year old girl says something like that to you! I relented. "Okay. Go pick out a color. I'll get polka dots." So, naturally, she picked purple. I had Barney toes for a little bit. Whatever, I rocked the crap out of them. After she and her mom were done, mom came up and said "She normally doesn't talk this much to people she doesn't know. Thank you for being so sweet." It definitely made my day.

Ever since that afternoon, I'm reminded of my young friend's wise words: Everyone should have beauty in their lives. So yeah, I paint my toenails. Because even on days that I can't see the beauty in the world, due to my being blinded by bad days, the general state of the world, whatever, I know that I've got painted toenails. And part of my world is beautiful for that.

 (Photo: my sister and I after our most recent pedicures)

Talking To Myself

Have you ever been speaking with someone, looking directly at them, and you just know they're not paying attention? Like, you THINK they're hearing what you're saying, but not...responding? That's my life. A huge majority of the time. It's as if I'm saying everything I need to say, as loud as I can possibly say it, but no one hears me. It's not fun. Sometimes? All I want is to be heard. This post isn't all that fun, and for that I apologize. But sometimes I just need to vent, and this is cheaper than therapy.

Our Lips Are Sealed

Earlier this week, I did something I've always secretly wanted to. I did stand up and an open mic night. While waiting for my turn, I sat through several comics. Some great, some...not so great. Three times, my sexuality was called into question. Which leads me to something I will NEVER understand: Why does it even matter? Why does who I love mean anything to anyone? And are these judgements based solely on my looks? The way I talk? What? Regardless, it's really getting old. If you've taken the time to get to know me, you know my "sexual preference", which is "often". Haaaa jokes. But seriously, I don't care who you are, who you love is your choice. If they beat you, treat you like crap, etc, I'll step in (especially if you're in my inner circle), but otherwise? Who needs to talk about it? No on, that's who. As The Go-Gos, and later Hilary and Haylie Duff said: Our lips are sealed. Unless you like ME...then I'm freaking telling EVERYONE!

*Inappropriate Denis Leary Song Title*

I have a question for you. Yes, you. Why do people have to be such douchebags? I've spent the last 14 years of my life in the customer service industry, and the only constant? Has been rudeness. Where did we get this idea that we don't have to be nice to the people who serve us our food? Or sell us those shoes/shirts/pants? Or answer our questions over the phone? Like really? Whatever happened to the idea of "Treat people how you want to be treated.", the concept of "If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nuthin' at all." (Thumper)? I understand we all have bad days (some of us more than others), but why on earth would you take it out on a complete stranger? That thought is so foreign to me. I make sure to (try) to treat people with respect, ESPECIALLY I they're just trying to help me. Now, don't get me wrong, if you're in customer service and you hate your job? You deserve to deal with cranky people. Your attitude determines that of your customers (and others around you). It really does. Are we just programmed to make everyone around us miserable when we're in a bad mood? Let's change that, people. Smile once in awhile. Quit being so miserable all the danged time.


...I'm working on this in my own life, and I feel that putting it out in the open makes me more responsible for my actions. Or something.

(P.S. The title of today's post? Rhymes with sass pole. Tee hee. Sass pole.)

Love Song For No One

"Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Get here"- John Mayer
Love Song For No One (Live) - John Mayer

I'm tired of people telling me I need to get over my "fear of rejection" and that I just need to "put myself out there". Answer me this: How do I have a fear of rejection when a large majority of my life is spent...being...rejected? And I don't JUST mean romantically. Don't forget, I'm a (struggling) rockstar first, author second (And yes. I use the word "author" lightly...please. I write dribble, and only write when I'm bored or perplexed). The biggest constant in my field? Is rejection. Hustle, sing your heart out, hear "no" again, repeat. This goes on for years. I'm noticing the same trend when it comes to trying to find a date. Yes, a. One. Not "The One", just a single freaking date. Except I don't always sing my heart out. (OK, yes I do.)

Anyway, my point is this. I don't have a fear of rejection, I'm just tired of it. Please note the difference.

So, on the one hand, I'm tired of being rejected. On the other? I'm like John Mayer. Tired of being alone. Ah, life and your Catch 22s....

This is just something that was bugging me today. No one has to read it, I don't know that anyone will, and that's OK. A lot of times I'll probably be writing for my own sanity anyway.

Lovers and Friends...and Exes

Sounds like if Usher were to release a Country song, doesn't it? (Usher has a song called Lovers and Friends. Jus...Just look it up, OK? It's not a great song, but at least you're sort of know where the title came from) But this topic is something that just...perplexes me beyond all reason. My best friend went through a break up recently...for the third time...from the same person...whom I never really liked. But that's beside the point.

It's not that I'm afraid of them getting back together, he's used some very choice words about her as of late. Pretty sure he doesn't want to go back down that path (again). The thing that has me confuzzled is this: They're still friends on facebook. They still follow each other on instagram.  They still text. WTF? Why? Who does that? If you ask me, break ups are difficult. They suck. They're not fun for anybody. Am I the only one who thinks that the last thing I need to see after a breakup is an ex liking a picture I just posted? Or commenting on the fact that I'm sitting at home alone, sobbing into my Ben & Jerry's while watching Marley & Me? As my dear friend Sweet Brown would say, "Ain't nobody got time fo' that!"

We're human. We need time to heal. Time to truly get over the breakup. Time to regroup and gather our thoughts. Time to be with our bros (or ladybros, for my female subscribers). I guess I just personally don't understand this whole idea of remaining friends with the person who tore out your effing heart and trampled it into a kajillion pieces. At least not so close to the actual breaking up. Trying out the whole "being friends" thing a few months/years after the fact, is one thing. But in the middle of it? I don't see it being a good idea. Or healthy, for that matter. But hey, maybe that's just me.

Remember when I said I was going to interact with you guys? Well, allow me to ask you a question: Do you think staying friends with your ex(es) is a good idea immediately after a break up? Why or why not?

No, seriously.

This is an actual live thought I've had recently. I'm newly 30, and feel like I have a lot of REALLY important (to me) thoughts that I sometimes can't keep to myself. And just like that (inset snap here), I decided to write a memoir. Is it [30] really too young? I guess we'll see. But while that is in process, and I dig deep into the inner recesses of my brain case, new thoughts pop up. Which I guess tends to happen. And is still kind of annoying. But what can ya do? Oh! I KNOW! START A BLOG! ...I'm sorry for yelling. I just got really excited just then.

So, this is my blog. It'll be about everything and nothing at the same time. <--- Haaaa Michelle Branch lyric.

Some of this stuff may end up in the actual book, most of it may not. If it does, I hope you get deja vu...mainly because it's an awesome feeling.

Oh! Here's the thing: If I pose questions within my blog? Odds are, I'll want answers/interaction. So...comment and stuff.

More randomness to follow. Sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride