The Sound of Silence

Hello Darkness, my old friend...

This post is hard to write. It seems that lately, I only update this when the things I have to say are difficult. Why is that? Whatever, I'm stalling.

My last entry marked the beginning of me being true to myself, and being more transparent. I've been good at that...for the most part. Except when it comes to my depression. I still have a tendency to hide that part of myself from most people. Why? I'm not 100% sure. But I do.

So, to catch you up on the last year: I've added 6 shows to my acting resume, joined an improv team, started another podcast, started a new job, and have remained single af. Now that we're caught up, let's get real:

Life is actually going great! I have great friends, a great job, and am getting to perform. A lot. You would think this would all equal happiness. And yet? I've been battling my depression again. For the first time in years, but it's back with a vengeance. I'm able to function, but have been feeling very much alone, and like I'm a burden on people. Like people only agree to hang out with me because they feel obligated. Here's where it's different than every other episode, however. This time? I know it's all in my head. I know it's only for now. I know the people in my life genuinely do care about me.

So why am I talking about it? Because no one should ever feel alone. Even if it's all in their head. I understand why we do, however. We're told that if we're depressed, it means something's wrong with us. This isn't the case. And even if it is, that doesn't mean we should be made to feel like we don't matter. We shouldn't be swept under the rug to avoid conversations that make other people uncomfortable. It's time to break the stigma behind mental illness. Because of this, I've decided to make my struggle known. If you feel comfortable doing the same, I 100% encourage you to. However, I know not everyone will, and that's totally fine! Just now that, in your own struggle, you're not alone. Someone will always be there to struggle with, listen to, or simply just...BE with you. Please don't hesitate to reach out to someone you trust.

You will be found. I promise.

***If you're feeling suicidal, please get help. Call 1-800-273-8255. If you don't feel comfortable speaking with someone, you can text 741741, and a counselor will text you back.***

Can I Get An Amen?

On #TBT, I posted this picture on Instagram and Facebook with the following caption:

If you had told 2011 Kevin that in 5 years he'd be wearing skinny jeans and actually be kind of hot? He would've laughed at you. I have a few choice words for 2011 Kevin. But instead I'm gonna tell him I'm proud of him for getting his head out of his hindquarters. That he's nowhere near perfect, but he's making strides every day. That in the long run, the demons he's facing in 2011 are making mountains out of mole hills. That he's still going to have ups and downs, but overall? Life is pretty dang great. #LoveYourself#SorryForTheLongPost #ButAlsoImNot#ProgressPic #ThrowbackThursday #TBT#UseALLTheHashtags

Those demons that I mentioned? Have been following me for years. Demons who wouldn't allow me to live my life without fear. Fear of abandonment, of not being worthy of love. The fear of being disowned by my family, dismissed by my friends, and being forgotten by God. They also filled me with SO much anger and self hatred. For years I've lived my life wallowing in my own self loathing.

I'm not going to let the demons win. I refuse. It's time for me to love myself. I can only do that by being honest and open in all aspects of my life. RuPaul, in a way(?); I have you to thank for this new outlook.

In the interest of being honest, I have decided to stop hiding a part of myself. Some of you may find this surprising, others will just say "Uh...duh?". But I don't identify as straight. I'm pansexual. If you're not familiar with the term, basically I'm attracted to people regardless of their gender. I've always been more attracted to ones personality first.

Those fears I had? Have been forgotten. Why, you ask? My family knows and is amazingly supportive. My friends who know have shown me nothing but unconditional love. And God is showing Himself to me in increasingly beautiful ways. I am clinging to Him as I never have before, and it's SO. GREAT!

If you're reading this, you can proceed one of two ways: Stay or go. Keep following my adventures and be supportive, or quietly remove yourself from my life. If you choose the former, awesome! Welcome! And I'm excited to be able to share more with you! If you choose the latter? No hard feelings. You have your reasons, who am I to judge?

The important thing is: I'm finally beginning to love myself. Genuinely love myself. And if you can't love yourself? How in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an "Amen" up in here?

Oops...

Hey guys! Sorry I've been M.I.A. lately. I've been doing stuff! And things!

First off: I made my Phoenix theatrical debut in an AMAZING musical called Now. Here. This., and had a BLAST! I've missed being on stage, and can't wait to get back to it!

Second, I've started working on an EP with my good friend Colton Berry! This one is going to be all covers, but we're working on some originals too, so that'll be cool. I'm going to make an effort to write more...but we all know how well that typically works out. haha

Well, um...bye!

Good Life

"Sometimes there's airplanes I can't jump out
Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now
We all got our stories but please tell me-e-e-e
What there is to complain about" - OneRepublic

I've discovered the meaning of life. Live it for yourself. Don't let the negative things people say derail your bliss. Your passion. Do you. That's it. That's all of it. This is a short post, but at least it's a post! :) 

A Long December/Auld Lang Syne

A long December and there's reason to believe/Maybe this  year will be better than the last

Should auld acquaintance be forgot/and never brought to mind
Should auld acquaintance be forgot/for auld lang syne

Every December 31st, I listen to Counting Crows' Long December. Every January 1st, I listen to Auld Lang Syne by Mairi Campbell and Dave Francis. These songs help me reflect on the last year. The good, the bad, the ugly. This year was no exception. 2015 was filled with ups and downs, as every year is. 

I tightened my inner circle and my waist line. I reconnected with an old friend, made new friends, attended SO! MANY! WEDDINGS!, and went to Mexico. 

Owning November had a pretty good year, gigging almost monthly. We booked our first gig for 2016 in October of 2015! Not too shabby.

And, probably the most exciting thing: I got back in to theatre. I auditioned for a Miscast Cabaret, and was cast. Shortly thereafter, I auditioned for A/C Theatre Company's production of Now. Here. This. After nervously auditioning, and almost throwing up during callbacks (Again, due to nerves), I was cast in that production as well! This is the first show I've done since 2001, and couldn't be more excited to be a part of this company's inaugural season, and the Arizona premiere of this show!

All I really ask of 2016 is that it bring continued health and happiness. And for you, I hope it brings the same.

Unconditionally (Or, How A Pop Star Saved My Faith)

"I'll take your bad days with your good, walk through the storm I would, do it all because I love you" - Katy Perry, Unconditionally

I may get flack for this, as some of you won't agree with what I have to say, what I believe, or how I feel. But no one's forcing you to read what I write, so there's that. 

Anyway, I've been struggling with a lot of garbage lately. An uphill battle with negativity in my life, toxic thoughts, actions, just...garbage. Nothing I feel compelled to go into, just know it's been a rough year or so. I officially left the church as an organization, but have been attempting to retain my relationship with God. I'll be the first to admit, it wasn't going well. Never bad enough to where I renounced my faith, but things were looking bleak. One night, when I was working one of my 16 hour Fridays, I have no doubt God reached out to me. His vessel for this task is admittedly an odd one: Katy Perry. Yes, you read that right: "I Kissed A Girl" Katy Perry. This may sound weird, but stay with me: I'm pretty sure a pop star saved my life. 

I mean, I know God works in mysterious ways, I've been told that my entire life. But this was a new one for me. Her song Unconditionally started playing on my iPod. I've heard it many times, but on this night, the lyrics were different somehow. "Oh no, did I get too close? Oh, did I almost see what's really on the inside? All your insecurities, all the dirty laundry, never made me blink one time." You guys. God knows about everything I've ever done. Ev. Er. Eee. Thing. And yet, He still loves me. Yes, we're taught in Sunday School as children (those of us who grew up in the church), but holy crap! Being reminded of that as an adult? One who felt he'd lost his way? Well, that was pretty dang cool. And there's another line in the song that states "Acceptance is the key to be, to be truly free", and in that moment, I heard a voice telling me to just accept the forgiveness and the grace that was offered to me when Jesus took my place on the cross. I may or may not have had to pull over due to a few (hundred) tears being shed.* 

Does this mean I'm going to be perfect? Shoot no. Lord knows I've made mistakes, and He knows I'll continue to make them. But He loves me IN SPITE of it all! He still wants to use me. He still has a plan for my life, and wants me to succeed. It doesn't get much better than that.

*TOTALLY did.

I Keep Forgettin'

"I keep forgettin' we're not in love anymore. I keep forgettin' things will never be the same again.
I keep forgettin' how you made that so clear. I keep forgettin'" - Michael McDonald

(OK, I don't keep forgettin'. I'm fully aware. That song just happened to get stuck in my head when I was trying to decide how to title this post.)

Wow, it's been a year and a half. Holy shit, how time flies.

Here's what I've been up to since the Dudevorce:

HATING my job, and yet
Getting promoted. Twice.
Moving into a bigger/better apartment.
Performing with Owning November whenever we can
Missing you less and less

I mean, that's not to say I don't MISS you. I haven't FORGOTTEN about you. I'm just less sad. I'm still disappointed with how you (and I) acted when things ended, I'm just less mad. In fact, I'm not even mad at all. I can't cry anymore, I've done too much of that, and it was really bumming me out. So, whatever happiness you're looking for, I truly hope you find it.

To those of you who made it this far in my ramblings, good form. Everyone else? Not surprised. This doesn't make much sense unless you've lived in my head for awhile. :)

Be excellent to each other,

-Kevin